In the light of this blog post, I may just warn you in advance that it is a downer of all proportions..the
why is it a downer you may ask, well the story starts with a gut feeling I had and we all know once you have a gut feeling, you wouldn't be able to shake it off and you know its gonna be a bad one.. This feeling all started as a nervously await the results of my law exam, and as expected I did worst than I hope for, which means I did not get in to sem 2 of law and would need to basically re-think the courses or even a new degree while in Uni, but not to worry with my streak of failure a back up plan from A -Z is in order, therefore we must move to plan B: Psychology.. pros, Its a good career path and easy to achieve, cons, Im not sure its for me, but I guess I gotta suck it up and just go with it, as I am running out of chances and it sucks.. I just realised that I basically wasted half of my year and now Im heading to the second semester with a mind set filled with nerves and low expectations. I know with negativity I won't go far but no matter how much I stay so optimistic, it all blows up in my face and bad luck comes and welcomes me with open arms. to tell you the truth Im not the one to face disappointments, Im used to it but its never something I want to really accept.. I work and Study so hard to achieve the highest marks but yet Im still face the fact that it is never enough and simply Im just to dumb to begin with.. I feel so powerless and weak in matter what I do, I know its sad to say, but its the truth and I just gotta face the facts that I will never be good enough..
Maybe the universe has other plans for me, but who I am I kidding, its just gonna kick me in the face again and leave me to ever wonder when is the time when things will go right for me..
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Valentines day Blues
Happy valentines day for those without lovers and the ever so lonely ones.. not to worry, you are not alone! another year without a valentine but its ok. because Im sure some guy is out there just waiting to make his move sweeping me off my feet with a single smile! but for now, Il wait for that moment.. I know it may sound cheesy and predictably hopeless but Im a hopeless romantic after all. when I fall for someone its a big thing and its rare.. it only happens a few times in a persons life.. I guess Im just trying to figure out what it means to fall for someone.. I have had few crushes but only fell hard for someone ones in my entire years of existence..
He had dark short hair with brown eyes..he was a rebel but not a lost cause. He knew what he wanted and was not ashamed to go for it..but the twist is that he went out with every single girl that knew how to walk and breath. I was very aware of the type of person he was.. a player with a sprinkle of too much ego! therefore I never really did pay attention until my third year of high school, where everything changed and he himself emerged in my life like a fly that would never go away..he was constantly there, from morning and afternoon bus rides to my daily walks to the school, he was just there in the background paying attention. I never really made any sense of it or even made any assurance of his presence but those moments came crumbling down when I did notice.. it was the same year, and pretty my much I was forced to walk alone since my friends didn't bother to catch the bus. asper - usual the doors open but something miracle happened. as the doors opened he himself was standing right infront of me in close areas.. it seemed like he was waiting for something or to even say something. I waited, we stood there staring into eachother's eyes and for one minute gravity was pulling us closer to eachother, but all I could do was one small gesture of a smile and a hello surpringley he only said hi, I then moved on kept on walking, yet there was still apart of me wondering if what I was feeling was right, I had butterflies in that moment, my hearts was raising and I couldn't keep that small exchange out of my head.. I had emotions that should not be kindled or the fact that my feelings for him is confusion.. like him or Hate him or both. days and months have gone past and its the same reaction from him, when I'm around he becomes struck, I somewhat see him smiling or not his usual self but here is another twist when he is around his friends its a completely another story.. the ego in himself devours him and becomes unrecognisable than the person I knew.. in one instance there was another time when my friends failed to catch the bus and I was left with an empty seat beside me.. the bus came to a halt and him and his friends decided to make their special appearance and to my amazement they all chose to stand right next to my seat and with only a few words made me rethink why I fell for him in the first place.. as the journey continued things turned for the weirder a sudden voice became very prominent above all and suddenly I hear him mentioning casually "You know, I think someone should move their bag, So I could sit beside them, because you know.. my feet does hurt from standing and walking all day at school" and all eyes shoots towards me but yet in my mind all I could think was "seriously is this how you impress a girl" yet my immediate reaction was more annoyed, therefore I just looked at him in the eyes and then quickly looked away.. I knew it was an abrupt reaction but it was the only way to make him know, that I was not impress.. yet such charades continued throughout 3 years of my life.. the only move he made were simple gestures of hello or a simple smile.. sometimes I catch him staring and following me with those eyes when I walk by and he simply smiles to himself and carries on and still Im not even sure if he felt the same way as I do, because who are we kidding here, I am the type of girl that could never get a guy to even look my way or to even remember my name! but I guess all and all this kind of relationship was never to work out, he has his own life of popularity and I have my life of music and friends.. I was willing to fall for someone that I knew wasn't right for me, yet I fell for him anyways knowing that he could just leave me heartbroken. such love story never have its happy ending because all there really was were longing stares and innocent smiles and a whole world pulling us in different direction.. the signs maybe there but neither of us were willing to admit it to eachother, even faith keeps bringing us to each other from church to malls or random pass by on the street all we could do is look with our lovestruck eyes and wonder what might have been and move on.. in the end he could only be the person that is kept in the depths of my mind and only thought of on a rainy day.. he was the one that got away and will always be!
He had dark short hair with brown eyes..he was a rebel but not a lost cause. He knew what he wanted and was not ashamed to go for it..but the twist is that he went out with every single girl that knew how to walk and breath. I was very aware of the type of person he was.. a player with a sprinkle of too much ego! therefore I never really did pay attention until my third year of high school, where everything changed and he himself emerged in my life like a fly that would never go away..he was constantly there, from morning and afternoon bus rides to my daily walks to the school, he was just there in the background paying attention. I never really made any sense of it or even made any assurance of his presence but those moments came crumbling down when I did notice.. it was the same year, and pretty my much I was forced to walk alone since my friends didn't bother to catch the bus. asper - usual the doors open but something miracle happened. as the doors opened he himself was standing right infront of me in close areas.. it seemed like he was waiting for something or to even say something. I waited, we stood there staring into eachother's eyes and for one minute gravity was pulling us closer to eachother, but all I could do was one small gesture of a smile and a hello surpringley he only said hi, I then moved on kept on walking, yet there was still apart of me wondering if what I was feeling was right, I had butterflies in that moment, my hearts was raising and I couldn't keep that small exchange out of my head.. I had emotions that should not be kindled or the fact that my feelings for him is confusion.. like him or Hate him or both. days and months have gone past and its the same reaction from him, when I'm around he becomes struck, I somewhat see him smiling or not his usual self but here is another twist when he is around his friends its a completely another story.. the ego in himself devours him and becomes unrecognisable than the person I knew.. in one instance there was another time when my friends failed to catch the bus and I was left with an empty seat beside me.. the bus came to a halt and him and his friends decided to make their special appearance and to my amazement they all chose to stand right next to my seat and with only a few words made me rethink why I fell for him in the first place.. as the journey continued things turned for the weirder a sudden voice became very prominent above all and suddenly I hear him mentioning casually "You know, I think someone should move their bag, So I could sit beside them, because you know.. my feet does hurt from standing and walking all day at school" and all eyes shoots towards me but yet in my mind all I could think was "seriously is this how you impress a girl" yet my immediate reaction was more annoyed, therefore I just looked at him in the eyes and then quickly looked away.. I knew it was an abrupt reaction but it was the only way to make him know, that I was not impress.. yet such charades continued throughout 3 years of my life.. the only move he made were simple gestures of hello or a simple smile.. sometimes I catch him staring and following me with those eyes when I walk by and he simply smiles to himself and carries on and still Im not even sure if he felt the same way as I do, because who are we kidding here, I am the type of girl that could never get a guy to even look my way or to even remember my name! but I guess all and all this kind of relationship was never to work out, he has his own life of popularity and I have my life of music and friends.. I was willing to fall for someone that I knew wasn't right for me, yet I fell for him anyways knowing that he could just leave me heartbroken. such love story never have its happy ending because all there really was were longing stares and innocent smiles and a whole world pulling us in different direction.. the signs maybe there but neither of us were willing to admit it to eachother, even faith keeps bringing us to each other from church to malls or random pass by on the street all we could do is look with our lovestruck eyes and wonder what might have been and move on.. in the end he could only be the person that is kept in the depths of my mind and only thought of on a rainy day.. he was the one that got away and will always be!
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Friday, 13 January 2012
University and my thoughts
When I was young I always believed in chasing after my dreams, finish school and become someone famous, but the thing is, life is never what you expect.dreams change and so do you. I have spent all of my life preparing for this day.. studying for top grades, learning as much as I can handle and conterminously applying for Universities that is willing to accept me, because as my mum would say that "after you graduate high school, getting into University can set you up for life and that is what you should always aim to do" therefore disappointing them is considerably out of the question thus leading me to where I am now After years of preparations and countless nagging from my parents, I have been nervously awaiting the results of my future and with only a few seconds there it is staring back at me.. an acceptance email to the most renowned school in New Zealand.. Auckland University and studying a degree in Law and Psychology.. with only a few words my whole entire life is set but to tell you the truth Im Scared..
Being in University is quite a scary place to step foot in, I am about to place myself in uncharted territories where I again become a small tiny guppy in a large ocean where no one but only my friends is wanting to know my name and simply my importance becomes extinct.. yet that is only the beginning, my parents and my grandfather expectations are simply unreachable, they ask too much of me and expect nothing but the highest standard, I'm not sure if ever I can live up to those expectation but I will sure try..
University is never going to be easy and its defiantly a long road that I must endure, but a wise person would say, to succeed you must face the obstacle that will always come your way because then you will know that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel..wish me luck!!
Being in University is quite a scary place to step foot in, I am about to place myself in uncharted territories where I again become a small tiny guppy in a large ocean where no one but only my friends is wanting to know my name and simply my importance becomes extinct.. yet that is only the beginning, my parents and my grandfather expectations are simply unreachable, they ask too much of me and expect nothing but the highest standard, I'm not sure if ever I can live up to those expectation but I will sure try..
University is never going to be easy and its defiantly a long road that I must endure, but a wise person would say, to succeed you must face the obstacle that will always come your way because then you will know that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel..wish me luck!!
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Monday, 9 January 2012
Stuck..
New Zealand is located in exactly 1,500 kilometres (900 mi) east of Australia across the Tasman sea, population estimated around 4 million according to Wikipedia but it seems much smaller and much further away across the whole world. I've been here all my life and seems like I forgot what its like to well, live..I'm trap and no where of getting out! I feel so smothered that I put on a fake smile everyday just because I need to. In my mind its full of regret and what ifs, "I should have done this" "I should have said something" "I should have told you" "I should have gone" these words maybe simple to someone but to me its scariest things I would have ever said! every regret will stay with you and I should have taken the risk when I had the chance in consequence Im staying exactly the same place, moving slowly, unsure of myself, doing the exact same things over and over again like a broken record.I wake up.Watch TV. shower. Eat. Daydream. Go on the Internet. Watch a movie. Sleep. and the my day starts all over again doing the same thing!
All my life I expected something big was going to happen to me that could change my whole life in just a split second, I imagined myself travelling around Europe right after high School for the summer, instead Im at home contemplating what I should I be doing with my life. Usually most people would be out on their own and finding themselves, I however is still watching pg movies with my parents and going EVERYWHERE with my parents as I am expected to.. I just feel like that all my life I have been caged in to the life where my parents control every move I make. What I wear, where I go and how I should live my life. but Im tired, im tired of people walking all over me, Im tired of people thinking il never go anywhere, Im tired of being invisible. I AM TIRED OF BEING STUCK..
All my life I expected something big was going to happen to me that could change my whole life in just a split second, I imagined myself travelling around Europe right after high School for the summer, instead Im at home contemplating what I should I be doing with my life. Usually most people would be out on their own and finding themselves, I however is still watching pg movies with my parents and going EVERYWHERE with my parents as I am expected to.. I just feel like that all my life I have been caged in to the life where my parents control every move I make. What I wear, where I go and how I should live my life. but Im tired, im tired of people walking all over me, Im tired of people thinking il never go anywhere, Im tired of being invisible. I AM TIRED OF BEING STUCK..
Sunday, 8 January 2012
First note
happy new year bloggers xD
its a brand new year which means a fresh start. let me introduce myself, Im Gera currently 17 and on my way to 18, Ive got curly long black hair and brown eyes, im short which is quite a bother when surrounded by tall people, I still somewhat live in the 'vintage years' where my computer is still 'that big white brick' and broadband is an alien language! I am freshly out of High School and about to start the university of unknown.. the future is quite slim but im hopeful things will turn out fine. I am an aspiring songwriter/writer. I’m full of dreams and never seem to grasp the existence of reality. I live in a small tiny country consisting of trees and burly nothing else, all and all its a great place xD my family consist of a brother whose world only revolves around him and only him, Parents who are loving and somewhat clueless. Sometimes it even feels that my whole family could be so oblivious to one another that the only time we ever speak to one another is at the dinner table, even then we only talk when needed! but in the bright side the universe has given the most greatest friends a person could ever ask for.
I may not be the world's smartest person or the prettiest, or have so much of a 'co-ordination', But I am sure that all my life I have been constantly under unappreciated and constantly heard but never listened too. I am told that I may not go anywhere in life, I am destined for an inferior life and that should be it. I should just learn to shut up and blend in where no one knows I exist! But im tired of blending in and letting everyone taking the spotlight.. so this blog will contain updates of my life and how I see it. The thoughts I have been dying to share and words of regret and confessions I should have said in the right moments..
as one would say "stop waiting and Speak Now"
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